what do i want?

what do i wanna do?

what should i do?

when? how? what for?? 

what what what???

would i ever get answers for this issue i’m having??

i dont know.

i don’t even know what these tears are for….:(

they just come out of my eyes all in a sudden….

out of nowhere…

how can i solve the issue when i don’t even know why i’m crying.

does this mean that i still need more time?

for what? to do what?

time often solves problems but not all the time.

i also need to do something rather than just waiting for time to solve them.

but i don’t know what i really want.

i don’t know what would be good for me or for us. 

i thought i was stronger than this… but i guess i was wrong.

i am pretty weak.

i knew i tend to feel lonely when i’m not with someone, someone particular.

but this time it’s really hitting me…:( don’t know why. maybe cuz i’m getting older?

i think now there are so many unclear things ahead of me… so i feel insecure about lots of stuff. i’ve been shaken by various things.

is it one of those challenging times?

maybe

maybe not

but only sure thing is that i’ve been feeling lonely… more than ever…

feel like traveling different countries

cuz that would be something different from daily life, exciting, fun, … etc.

that will probably ease my feelings 

wanna escape from regular life for now… for a while…

Shinto is referred as a religion in which majority of the Japanese people believe.

As one of the Japanese, however, I’ve never really known what Shinto really is.

I follow some rituals and other things because those were already parts of my daily life, customs, and events. I grew up with them. So, never really questioned why. 

It’s kinda like…. ….. ….. oh well, I can’t come up with good examples….

anyway, when I found this website–>http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/shinto/

(yea again it’s BBC. I like BBC, what can I say?)

I was like… "wow, it’s a good summary of Shinto!" 

I’ve only read the first part in "full lists of articles in Shinto": Beliefs, but I already feel that this website can be even a good resource for me to learn something more about my own beliefs/backgrounds/ways of thinking which I believe are highly influenced by and relevant to Shintoism. 

This is also good for any of non-Japanese people whose religions are very different from the beliefs of Shinto. It’ll definitely help you understand Japanese people better:) 

I read this article of "Ladies of the France Resistance" on BBC.

This story is very impressive.

Not only were they teenage girls, but also they took an immediate action for their own country.

wonder how many females in my country, even males, would do something like what these two French old ladies did? 

not many i believe.

i’m not even sure if I would do it…?

I really admire these ladies.

*just to remind myself in the future of these women. 

http://services.inquirer.net/express/07/11/28/html_output/xmlhtml/20071128-103683-xml.html

I know many guys carry their cell phones in their chest pockets (both shirt and jacket) in their business attires. If you are one of them, you might want to change that habbit now after this Korean man died assumingly by cell phone battery explosion in his chest pocket…

As the article says, the cause is not yet finalized by the investigation. However, most likely this battery explosion had something to do with his death. 

It is pretty scary and serious problem.

Watch out your chest pocket!!

上にﾘﾝｸはった記事は全部英語なので簡単に要約すると、韓国である男性が職場で死んでいるのが発見されて、その男性の胸ポケットからバッテリーが溶けているケータイ電話が見つかったそうな。

医師のこれまでの診断では、男性の左胸に焼けたような跡があって、肋骨と背骨だか脊柱だかに損傷が見つかった。

これらから警察では、ケータイのバッテリーが破裂したのが男性の死因ではないかと見ている。

まだ死因ははっきりしてないから正式な発表はなされてないけれども、このバッテリーが何らかの形で男性の死に関係してる可能性はかなり高いんじゃないかな。

特に男性でYシャツやスーツジャケットの胸ポケットにケータイを持ち歩く人がいっぱいいるけど、あなたももしその一人だったとしたら、これからはその習慣を変えたほうがいいかもね！

ケータイは機械だし、機械はいつどこで何を引き起こすかわからないしね。そんなものを心臓の近くに置いておくってのはちょっと怖いよね。

you may have heard about Ottoman Turk’s killings of Armenians during WWI.

(Q&A Armenican ‘genocide’) 

i didn’t really know about it. i would have known more and better if i were an Armenian or Turkish…?  looks like it’s a big issue for both sides if the killings should be recognized as "genocide" or simply as mass killings. 

of course as you can guess, Turkey wouldn’t want it recognized as genocide because genocide is such a strong negative term.

no country wants to admit negative pasts as their responsibilities….

that’s how this world is.  

that’s how "nations" are.

that’s how human beings are…

and sad thing is this is not something happened long long time ago. genocides have happened in our human’s modern history. for example, well-known Rwanda’s happened just about 15 years ago.  

why would people try to clean the particular race/ethnic group/certain people….?

why can people become so brutal….?

why? why? why? 

never can get convincing answers to these.

we will continue wondering why. 

we will continue hating and killing each others…?

at least, i don’t wanna be one of those who do kill and who are killed.

*genocide*

"any of the following acts committed with intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnical, racial or religious group, as such: killing members of the group; causing serious bodily or mental harm to members of the group; deliberately inflicting on the group conditions of life, calculated to bring about its physical destruction in whole or in part; imposing measures intended to prevent births within the group; [and] forcibly transferring children of the group to another group."    <UN Convention on Genocide/wikipedia>

i read this article about Che Guevara –> "Cubans Honor Che as a hero"

i have known his name since long time ago. probably i learned it in one of the histry classes in schools.

but i never really knew what’s special about this guy.

40 years after his death, he’s still admired a lot, and looks like Cubans love him a lot.

some comments seem to show one of the main reasons:

1) Che Guevara was a man "who was capable of giving his life for a people he didn’t know, us Cubans"

2) "Most important of all is his humanity. Che came from another country to fight for our independence."

3) "It was imperialism which defined Che. He wasn’t a violent man, or one who liked to assassinate or kill. On the contrary, he was a loving man who wanted to build socialism."

He was born in Argentina but gave his life to fight in other countries.

Think about it!

How many people can actually do this? especially when the life is in danger.

You have to be brave, physically and mentally strong, determined, self-motivated, somewhat social, and etc.

—- one of the great men in the world —-

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6667257.stm

looks like US government has come up with something new to grant better situation for tons of illegal immigrants in US.

but… it doesn’t sound much appealing to me.

why?

i guess i’m more skeptical about this issue.

also, at least from this news article, this planned "Z visa" seems to be helpful only for certain illegal immigrants.

because…. 1) you have to have enough money to pay $5000 of fine as well as visa application fees.  2) you have to return to your country every once in a while (i’m not sure if it’s just once for Z visa and every 2 years for "two-year temporary guest worker visa," or regularly for both of them)

many of the illegal immigrant in US come to the country because their own countries are politically/economically unstable, short of employment, and etc…

i doubt if those immigrants have that much money to be used for fines, fees, and airline tickets (if needed)… many of them have families so have to take care of the famlies as well as themselves. if they do have those money, they wouldn’t probably sneak into the country to seek better employment/life.

i might be wrong.

but even i, who have stayed llegally, have to pay more money for pretty much everything! than other American citizens. (oh except for Tax, haha. i’ve got treaty exemption)

this immigration issue is very difficult and sensitive for many countries in this modern world. Japan must have encountered the hardship/problems already. there might not be the best solution for this issue…. governments will come up with new rules every now and then. immigrants will continue fighting for their right.  

what is right?

maybe there is no "right" on this issue…

i’m just wishing "better" for those immigrants (of course not for the BAD ones! like criminals) 

This week was the craziest week ever since i started working for my current job in various ways…

the craziness started on Monday. i don’t know if it was because one of the co-workers was off, but the office itself was very busy! well, i would say all of us, three assistants, were busy.

lots of phone calls, quite a few clients came over, one of other assistants needed to go to electronic stores to get a "recorder" and it took her a while to find one (she said sales representatives knew nothing really!)…..

and I personally had crazy time because of this client who came over with his family.

it was supposed to be a short meeting and easy one. but he and his wife started asking me some questions. i answered those with my best trying to make it easier for them to understand.

they seemed to understand the situation in which they are put.

but because of their difficult situation that i explained, they did give me hard time asking me even more questions about "possibilities" and asked me to have a meeting with the lawyer to discuss these "possibilities".

i can’t really explain why it was so hard for me, but anyhow this client took my time for more than an hour!!! and not only because of the time, but i got tired mentally… sigh.

i don’t remember what else was crazy on Monday.

on Tuesday, one of the H-1B visa application package was returned. it was for one of the clients i took care of. 

basically the package was selected by this year’s random selection (for details, you can check my previous entries on March 30, 2007 and April 3, 2007).

but it was returned because one single question on the form wasn’t filled out. yea it was supposed to be checked either "yes" or "no"… but since the notice says we may resubmit, we checked the question and resubmitted the application.

i was just hoping that the Immigration Office would accept the resubmission.

but then…..

on Thursday (i believe)

i was made to realize that this package will be returned for sure!

why?

because…..

one package for another client was returned, and i realized that i made a HUGE mistake!!! and the same mistake was found on the first returned package as well….

when i read the notice, i was like "OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT……..Don’t tell me this is it!? F*************K" (in my mind)

i don’t curse usually, but this time was exceptional… seriouslly. it was a super shock for me.

the thing is … "i didn’t know it wasn’t correct" because all forms we assistants prepare are reviewed and finalized by the lawyer, and the lawyer didn’t correct my mistake.

i know that he does know that point, so he didn’t blaim me nor yell at me for this. i think he was also shocked and regretted a lot…especially because of this year’s tense situation on H-1B visa.

i don’t know what to say. there is nothing i can do to make it work.

sigh….. this will of course affect our clients’ trust for our office.

especially i’ve been taking care of one of these clients’ family member for another type of case. i think they will feel insecure about his case by thinking about the possibility that i’ll make another mistake on his case… you know, that’s natural feeling human beings have. of course this is not just my fault, but still clients would have doubt/worries about me taking care of their cases if they find out that i messed up their family’s case.

i really really really feel sorry for them. it actually cannot be described just by "sorry" or "feel bad" or anything of the sort!  "NO WORDS" to properly describe my feeling for now….

the only relief is that there are "only" 3 cases that contain the same mistake among all other cases i prepared. yea i know three is a lot.

my excuse is …. all of these three were prepared in the last minutes (the end of March), so even lawyer didn’t realize this mistake when he reviewed the forms…? well, i shouldn’t make excuse like this since it’s useless anyway.

being professional is very important and harder than i thought.

also, this lessen made me truely realize that this job DOES influence/affect people’s LIFE!

i would cry if my lawyer makes this type of mistake. it’s not that bad if the application was rejected because it wasn’t selected randomly. but this case is that the application was LUCKILY selected but rejected because of this mistake…

now you know how bad this situation is.

it’s like… there is no way to repair the problem. appology won’t help.

2 of the 3 clients are outside US, so they can just stay in their country for another year and try next year. but for the last one, this rejection will affect her life even though she already started thinking about other options much earlier.

i don’t know how my boss is gonna handle this problem. i’ll just await his decision.

sucks…. sucks sucks sucks

i was literary knocked out… 

there is no doubt that i won’t make the same mistake ever again!!!! but, it’s too late to correct this mistake for these three cases. that’s the concrete fact.

i’m really sorry:(((( 

today, i learned something for my work.

i’ve been wondering what the difference between those cases….

oh, i’m talking about Green Card application (US permanent residency application) through family sponsorship.

my office doesn’t usually take family-based cases except for our old clients and their friends. so the assistants including me are not very familiar with family-based cases. but for some reasons, i’ve gotten more family-based cases to take care of than other assistants ever since i started working here… seriously i don’t know why…:-/

there was still an unclear thing that i didn’t really understand about family-based cases. that was its Visa Quota.

Visa Quota is basically the limit of applications the immigration office accepts for certain period of time. the date called "Priority Date" is set for each petition (I-130 form) relating to visa quota. only those applicants whose Priority Dates are earlier than the visa quota cut-off date can submit/file green card application (I-485 form if in US and Consular Process if outside US).

this visa quota has different categories and some particularly mentioned countries. you can check the chart and brief explanations from here. 

let me go back to what i was wondering.

i encountered a few cases. all of them are sponsored by spouses (not parents, sons or daughters, or siblings). but all of them needed different procedures….

i was like … "why????? what’s the difference!?!?!?" yeah you can tell i was so confused, lol.

but today the confusion faded away. the difference of those cases were:

1) if the petitioner (sponsor) is US citizen or Permanent Resident (Green Card holder)

2) if the beneficiary is under 21 or not

3) if the beneficiary (applicant) entered US with visa or without visa

number 3 is not what i figured out today but heard from another assistant before, so i’m not gonna go into details about #3 (it might not be true).

#1 and #2 make BIG difference!!!! because… if you are married to a US citizen, you don’t have to wait for visa quota or anything even if you stay in US illegally!! and if you are a son or daughter (even stepson/daughter) of US citizen and under 21, you are not subject to visa quota thing, either. (if over 21, you are subject to visa quota)

but if you are married to a US Permanent Resident, you have to wait for visa quota to cover your Priority Date. if you are Japanese, the visa quota is still March 2002. to caluculate by very simple way, that means it takes about 5 years for you to be able to become eligible for filing green card application (if in US) or obtaining immigrant visa (if outside US). 

see? it’s a big difference, i would say.

right now, if you start permanent residency process through employment with the category of "professionals or skilled workers" (job requires BA or more than 2 years of experience in related work), it takes about 5 years to be able to file I-485 or to get immigrant visa. it’s like same as applying through marriage-base sponsored by a permanent resident.

and if you process under "Members of the Professions Holding Advanced Degrees or Persons of Exceptional Ability" (job requires MA or higher, or BA with more than 5 years of experience in related work), if you are Japanese, you can immediately file I-485 after the approval of Labor Certification. (yea it’s even faster than permanent resident’s sponsoring case!)

anyway, it’s getting too much of legal matter talk. so i’ll stop around here. but what i wanted to say was… if you wanna get married for green card, make sure that the person is a US citizen!! lol   just kidding. don’t get married just for green card please;-) that’s sad…

by the way, let me talk about my today’s work a bit more. 

a lady called, and another assistant answered the phone. she transferred the call to me because the lady said she wanted Japanese assistant. so, i took the lady’s call. she basically wanted to get some advice on her visa renewal or changing visa status.

first of all, she is not our client, which means that we don’t have ANY information about her. and the current visa she has is not the visa our office takes care of.

so i was trying to get some information about her employment/employer/petitioner. well, she was saying that her current petitioner will not be able to sponsor her when her visa expires. i asked, "who will be your employer?" … she said, "i will not have employer"…. (me "????") she continued, "i don’t need to stick to my current visa. any visa is fine as long as it lets me stay in US. and well, i called up a few other attorney offices and got some advice such as getting investor visa or …. (i forgot) … now i wanted to get more advice from your office." 

i basically didn’t really know how to assist her since i’m not a lawyer. then she asked "what kind of position are you?" i said "i’m assistant here." she asked, "how have your office provided service to Japanese clients?" i answered, "well, we basically provide service to Japanese clients who ask for H-1B visa and green card application. our office only has an assistant who speaks Japanese, not the lawyer, so the Japanese assistant helps communicating with Japanese clients. but legal questions are mostly done by emails in English between clients and the lawyer."

ok, the conversation until here was conducted in Japanese. (so the translation might be different from what exatly she and i said.)

after i mentioned "legal questions" and "in English," this lady suddenly switched to English from Japanese saying that I can speak English very well, better than you. 

if you know me well, you know that i don’t get pissed off/mad that easily.

well, today, right after she said "better than you," i was like (WHAT THE F*&%^$#@!!!!!" that’s sooooooo freak’n rude!!!!!) seriously, is that the manner for calling law office to ask for advice or WHATEVER??? what is wrong with this rude woman? i was taking my time trying to help her. 

i’m nice to people who know the manner. and i hate people like this.

anyway, after she said that, i also immediately changed to English and said in a mean voice, "how do you know?" she goes "because i was born in US. i don’t have any problem communicating in English." (WHAT A DUMB!!! there are so many people who were born in US but are not able to speak English in this country, dumb a**) so i go "well, then why don’t you just email to the lawyer IN ENGLISH directly? in that way, the lawyer might be able to give you some advice."

she said "ok. i will. thanks for your assistance" (she didn’t really thank me, though. i could tell from her tone.)

strange thing is if she was born in US and wants to keep staying in US very badly, why did she give up US citizenship and chose Japanese citizenship??  well, i don’t really care about her anyway. but just found it strange. 

sigh…. sorry guys. it was a complaint. but she was rude.

gggghhhhrrrrrrr i wanna shout!!!!   it was very very very disrespectful for me!

i don’t deserve that.

so, i just complained and then i’ll put this issue aside telling myself that this type of person doesn’t even deserve my anger. so i’m not gonna stick to it.

thanks for reading me complaining:-P  

Me gusta la musica muuuuuuchoooooooooooo

i found music misterious tonight.

why?

because it can affect you a lot without letting you realize.

i believe most (or all) of the human groups have developed some kind of "music" everywhere in the world. languages might be different. music styles might be different. the purposes of music might be different. …… etc.

but music always exists!! 

you might be wondering what this little girl is thinking about…

i’ve been feeling weird recently.  

the thing is… i can’t really describe what it is… yup, this is one of those things that girls would say ("I don’t even know!")… haha not exactly the same as that to tell you the truth. i kinda know where the weird feelings came from. but i’m just not 100% sure about it.

it sounds weird already, right? that’s ok. just don’t pay too much attention to what i’m saying here today. 

oh yea i was talking about music… that’s because music has made me feel better now 

i came home later than usual today cuz i stayed longer at work. as soon as i got home, i felt like listening to the radio (music station) though i was planning to take a shower first. for some reason, i really really wanted to keep listening to the radio station and started feeling like taking bath rather than shower with the music on… so what i did was moving my little speakers and Rio player to right outside of the bathroom. (it’s my first time doing this since moving into current apt.)

i took a bubble bath and listened to music without thinking about anything

it wasn’t that long but pretty relaxing. then i put the speakers and the player back to the regular place after bath and then turned up while cooking.

when i was cooking, i realized that my weird mood was almost gone. i was like "wow…. music has some power to affect a person’s mood." you might be thinking that’s already a common sense… but i felt it tonight a lot.

feeling weird here means neither negative nor positive. it’s like between or maybe completely different from positive and negative categories. indescribable!!!

anyway, i should finish today’s weird blog-entry for now. thanks to you who have read this up to here and sorry that it doesn’t really contain any theme or anything

i guess "music is wonderful" would be the words today, lol 

I wish we human beings already had time machines….

if we did, i would fly back to December 28, 2006 right now

and try to fix the very first thing which i believe was the fundamental cause of what’s  been happening….

yea i know. it’s already passed.

yea i know. i can’t change what already happened.

yea i know. what i can do now is to deal with it. 

human beings are complicated creatures…

we sometimes don’t even know why we did it.

and after we did it, we would realize it was not good.

it’s too late then. 

i do understand her points

i do understand your points as well

at least i’m trying to…

but i’m still not convinced that i did something SUPER wrong.

when i said "they are almost the same level"

i meant more "how the recipient (of the actions) felt"

that’s what it is.

i felt some disrespect, rudeness, and non-welcome from the first moments and some other times

maybe just like she felt disrespected at that moment….

we wouldn’t know.

and i don’t want to make it sound bad.

so i think i should stop saying things related to this issue.

the more complaints, the worse everyone’s feelings would be. 

but after i heard u said "she wouldn’t have taken it if she didn’t accept it at all"

i felt a little bit better. 

as Hikarun said, i did what i can do at the moment so just need to wait now.

and seriously, as i talk about it with u, i feel guilty more and more

and i feel like i’m hurting you more and more by telling you how i see it and how i think about it…

so, i should just shut up and try not to talk about it with u

until something related happens next… 

it’s been a challenging, complicated, unstable, and crying new year…. 

Do you know "maury show"?

I’ve seen the show when they had paternity test thing.

This time, the show was about people who have changed dramatically.

There were … i think 2 guys and 3 or 4 girls.

Basically, they showed the pictures of the persons several years ago,

then the present persons appeared in the studio.

There I noticed one pattern for the females.

The pattern was….

"I was geek. I was very quiet, and nobody liked me at school. I got crash on this guy, but he didn’t take me serious. He even deceived me. etc, etc….."

and the guys’ attitudes changed the geek girls.

How???

geek–>hot, sexy girl

This is the patern.

AND

except for this black girl, can you imagin what other white geek girls did?

They dyed their hair blond!!

and they wore "sexy" clothes. u know, revealing clothes…

to me,

They looked the same!!

They look like typical white, blond, sexy girls with no uniqueness.

Of course, guys love them cuz they look hot.

But think about it,

They might have been geek, but still they were not bad at all.

Did they need to change their hair color to blond?

blond and straigt hair….

plus, sexy body. revealing clothes. too much show off of self-confidence.

It’s good thing to change.

It is wonderful if you become more attractive.

But the point here is… why always blond and sexy?

It’s too boring if everyone becomes like that.

I’m not saying that geeks should stay as geeks.

just…..

Be unique, people!!!!

That’s all what I wanna say.